Kauai is the wettest place on Earth. It’s my 30th Birthday. And my husband and I track deeper into the lush jungle. The smashed guava fruit and sweet mangoes beneath our feet perfume the canyon. Dragonflies are making love to purple orchids. Sticky. Wet.
Destination: Hanakapiai waterfall, 1600 feet high. We can hear the roar from a mile away. But nothing could have prepared us to stand face to face with her magnitude and the deafening power. We are encapsulated and hypnotized by the perpendicular sheer rock walls all around us. This is a hidden place. It is sacred. Tired from six hours of hiking, red mud up to our knees, my man and I are happier than ever. All the trouble was more than worth it. Way more.
I kneel onto the sharp-edged rocks and offer my humble prayers to Hanakapiai – then dive into her pool of deep blue. Freezing. The breath leaves me like a swift hummingbird, searching for hidden treasures below. But as I get closer to the vortex of feisty white water hitting the pool at a seemingly 90 mph, my mind buckles “No, no, this untamed force will crash your skull. Stop. Go back. Now.”
Like a frightened donkey my legs go paralyzed. I maneuver around the giant column of raging water and climb onto the big slippery rocks behind it, against the cliff wall. Vladi joins me there. Together we begin to breathe rhythmically, hands clasped above the head in a prayer lock. In my mind I invite the untamed force of the waterfall to enter me like a lover.
Hanakapiai feels very feminine and unstoppable in her nature. Yet tender. She is the divine feminine that knows no fear. She has no shame or guilt for being the passionate power that she is. She roars into my heart “I am who I am”. She quivers in my belly “I am who I am”. She cries through my eyes “I am who I am’.
And I remember who I am.
Now I know I can do it. I know I have emptied myself of myself enough to become a proper receptacle for Hanakapiai and not be killed by her. So I scream on the top of my lungs. And LEAP into the waterfall.
I emerge on the other side of the white water veil. The jungle looks ten times greener and bigger than before (if that’s even possible). Every cell of my body is crazed with excitement, hands and fingers stiff, inner thighs trembling as if I am having an orgasm with a 1600 feet tall wild lover who is a woman and a man all at once. And as I look up, way up at Hanakapiai – everything stops. Like watching a movie in slow motion I can see the singular water drops fall frame by frame from the top of the cliff down into the foaming vortex below, slowly…very…sl..o.w..l…y.
Inhale. The tiny hummingbird returns back into my chest, bringing sweet golden nectar of wisdom from another world. Instantly I know that I will write books, make movies, teach and take many others beyond the veil. And I am grateful to live with so much passion and to be of service as such.
The moral of the story: Life shatters us like the seed shatters the shell. Untamed happiness and joy can often feel scary. Because the ‘little me’ literally cracks open and undergoes a mini-death. An orgasm can be a type of mini-death. In that moment fear and contraction give way to a waterfall of pure goodness, pleasure and love.
This waterfall is far too great to hold down or control. Doing so will only lead to a build up of neurosis, illness, accidents, bankruptcy and general misery. Fear does not work. People always say ‘you have a choice between love and fear’. Over the years, having fought God and thus dragged myself through the self-made pits of the pits, I no longer have a choice. And I don’t fuck around. LOVE is my only option. I dive in.
How do you live out loud in spite of fear? If you have a personal Quantum Leap you want to make but don’t know how, lets have a chat to give you greater clarity.
