To be an athlete in a Communist Regime one must be willing to become a war weapon, ordered to do whatever it takes to win. And here is just what it takes….

The year is 1991. The Soviet Union is collapsing and the 13 year old athletes are expected to show the world that the Soviet Union is still a superpower. The snow is falling by the buckets from the night sky. I have been jumping rope for 2.5 hours. At 85 lbs I still have 7 lbs to loose and had already taken three diuretic pills and two laxatives that day.

“If I could put your brains into a skinnier body you could be a Champion!” the coach yells. There is no heat in the gym and I am wearing a blue cotton tracksuit, red wool socks and a matching hat, warm vapor escaping my mouth, fingers bleeding from the rope burns. To lose weight, I had plastic bags wrapped tightly around my thighs and stomach, but not around the chest, because that could lead to a cardiac arrest.

Katya collapses next to me. Her flat chest and concaved stomach grasp for air. She is taking hormones to suppress her shapely development. Five years from now, she will stand trim and tall on the pedestal in Atlanta as the All-Around Olympic Champion. I never took hormones; still my menstrual cycle only began when I was 22 years old.

When I was a freshman in college in the United State and retired from competitive gymnastics, I was hospitalized in intensive care from malnutrition and depression. A full range of severe eating disorders and vital organ damage was confirmed. I was put on Prozac and gained 40 lbs, crushing my self-confidence. To cope, I developed an addiction to alcohol, marijuana and food. I was deeply ashamed of what had become of me and rarely left the house. Obsessed with dieting, I was self-critical and not able to hold intimate relationships.

It took 10 long years to restore my balance. Now I am happily married and teach others how to recover their health by nourishing themselves fully with living foods, meditation, movement, and supportive relationships.

Olympic champion or not, every one of us deserves acknowledgement and support, because we are only as sick as our secrets.